One week on

It has been a week since William was born, and it feels like a year. This week has been my worst nightmare, and I have struggled everyday.

My daughter, sensing that there is something wrong with mum and dad, has been upset, naughty, stroppy and often inconsolable. I didn't want to spend much time with her in the first couple of days. My husband said that he felt like she was even more precious given what had gone wrong with William.

A typical mother with mother's guilt, to me, Ruby is proof that Brock and I can make something perfect and amazing, and she served as a reminder to me of the complete unfairness that her baby brother wasn't as lucky. That we weren't as lucky a second time around.

I have forced myself out of the house with her. We go for walks to the park and see our friends. If I am around other people I find that I can be distracted enough to forget, for a while, that this is our situation. I can even imagine that I am still pregnant and all of this is a terribly bad joke.

But when I am alone, I feel grief on my chest like a weight, and I can barely move or breathe. My husband is a 'worker'. He wanted to get back into fishing and have something productive to do with his day while he is grieving. I just want to sit on the couch, stare into space, and imagine our life differently.

One day, I'm sure, we will be glad that this happened. Not that we lost William, but that it gave us an opportunity to try again and have the fantastic wee kid that I know we will be blessed with.

Everyone says that time is a great healer, I'm just waiting for it to do its job. I know that one day I will look back and think that this all happened for a reason, I just wish that day was sooner rather than later.

Ruby is a delight. She is being completely adorable and is the perfect distraction, I just have to let myself be distracted.

Wish me luck xx